


Only You

by bluntmachete



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Drama, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Reader Insert, Romance, age gap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27463447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluntmachete/pseuds/bluntmachete
Summary: This is set 4 years after TLOU1 in Jackson, although all the events that happened in TLOU2 do not happen in this story, (our man Joel will not be beat to death with a golf club).WARNING: Contains big age gap between Joel and the Reader.Joel is 53 in this story just like in TLOU2, while the Reader has only just turned 20. Reader is also best friends with Ellie so obviously this will be a secret love affair.If you’re not comfortable with huge age gaps, then I suggest that you don’t read this.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader
Comments: 17
Kudos: 53





	1. p r o l o g u e

**Summer 2032**

Blood seeped through your ripped jeans as you try to take out all the infected to no avail.   
  


_There’s too many of them._

You manage to take out most of the runners by head shots, their brains splattering all over the walls. You then throw a Molotov that you had found in the abandoned building you were in, over to where the three clickers were. It killed two of them, however the third clicker was too damn lucky and lunged at you with those horrible clicking sounds that felt like nails on a chalkboard to you. You’re quickly reloading your gun but the clicker is just too fast and grabs onto you, with all its strength trying to sink it’s teeth into you.

You’re getting weaker and weaker as the clicker is getting stronger and stronger.

This is not how you wanted to die, turning into one of these vile creatures.   
  
Tears start to slip out as you start to accept your fate, only to be followed by a bullet to the clicker’s head, as it spasms and twitches, letting go of you and falling to the ground.

You don’t see the person who just killed the clicker as your eyes were blurry and you were too shaken up to wipe away your tears. Your leg is also losing more blood since you had no time to bandage it up.   
  
You started to feel uneasy and frightened that this person could be a hunter or a Seraphite that either wanted to steal from you and kill you, or capture you and skin you alive.

Then suddenly you felt a pair of hands on your shoulders, shaking you slightly to drag you back to reality.   
  


“You’re alright darlin’, you’re safe now”.

The man wipes away your tears and you look up at him for the first time. He had long dirty blonde hair and looked to be in his early 40s.

”Don’t worry, you’re in safe hands now. C’mon, I’ll take you to my family”, says the man as he pulls you up and lets you lean onto him as he drags you outside to his horse.   
  


You didn’t know whether to trust him or not, although you had no other choice.

Turns out you were very lucky.

  
**  
Spring 2034**

You really had a place to call home.

Jackson.

You had friends who cared about you which was something you had never felt before.   
  


Dina and Jesse.   
  


They were your best friends who had welcomed you with open arms when you had first arrived in Jackson with Tommy two years ago. You loved them dearly and would not know what to do without them now.   
  


Tommy and his wife Maria, basically became like family to you, though you wouldn’t really label it like that. They were more like your mentors and you looked up to them a great deal. After all, Tommy went out of his way to save you two years ago, even though it was his job to recruit new people and save survivors. You were grateful nonetheless.   
  


You were sixteen years old now and wondered how you had made it this far all these years mostly on your own. You didn’t have to worry about surviving by yourself anymore. You had a big family now and you wouldn’t trade it for anything.   
  


Then there were newcomers.

Joel and Ellie.

Ellie was a fifteen year old girl with red hair and green eyes accompanied by cute little freckles on her face. She seemed to be distraught, sad even.   
  


Then there was Joel. He seemed to be in his late 40s with forming wrinkles on his forehead and under his eyes. He had dark hair with greying streaks in it and a beard. He looked a lot happier and relieved than the fifteen year old girl next to him. 

“You finally made it big brother!” Tommy says as he takes the man in a big embrace.  
  
You were shocked to find out that Joel was Tommy’s older brother. You had thought Ellie was Joel’s daughter because of the strong bond they seemed to share, though that wasn’t the case. Joel might as well be a father figure to her with the pure love he had in his eyes every time he looked at her.   
  


You were intrigued by this duo and for some strange reason wanted to get to know them.

Little did you know, they would change your life forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies!
> 
> This was just the prologue, sort of introducing the characters and explaining how the Reader ended up in Jackson.
> 
> Sorry if this was boring or terribly written lol I tried my best and I hope you enjoy what I have in store for this story.
> 
> Please comment what you think of it so far as it tends to make me more motivated to continue.


	2. •just a small crush•

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Some swearing

**4 Years Later**

**Winter 2038**

You woke up to loud banging on your front door. You groaned, getting out of bed irritated with whoever was disturbing your sleep. It was 6am. You slowly made your way to the front door, your throat dry from sleep. You open the door and come face to face with none other than Jesse.

”Jesse? The fuck are you doing here at 6 in the morning? You know damn well I’m not a morning person”, you say through gritted teeth.

Jesse went past you and sat on your couch, making himself at home as per usual. You sigh and shut the door, relieved to be away from the cold. You then sat down next to him.  
  


Jesse then clears his throat, “I need a favour from you Y/N.....”, he smiled sheepishly.   
  
“What favour...?”. 

“I need you to cover my patrol for me”, he says and avoids eye contact with you.

”What? No way it’s my day off today!!” You shot up and glared at him.

”Please! It’s our one year anniversary today and I wanted to do something special for Dina”. 

From the mention of Dina, you sat back down and waited for him to continue.

”See there’s this place I really wanted to take her to outside of Jackson. It’s an abandoned house near the lake, but it has some pretty cool stuff inside and doesn’t look too bad either and I know she’ll love to spend our anniversary together doing something special”. He looks at you with pleading eyes.

How could you say no to that face. Jesse and Dina mean a lot to you. If filling in for Jesse on his patrol would make him and Dina happy then you will happily do it now.

”Alright I’ll do it, but you better do my chores for at least three days”, you smirk at him.

Jesse pulls you into a tight hug, “Fuck thanks Y/N, you really are the best”.

You two then exchanged smiles until a thought occurred to you.

”Wait so who else is going on this patrol?” You question.

”Well Seth, Aaron and Joel”.

You were relieved that Joel was coming since you haven’t been on patrol with him in a while. Being on patrols without him wasn’t as fun. You didn’t particularly like Seth as he was an asshole but ignoring him was your speciality anyway. Aaron was always nice to you so you had no problems with him. He was the same age as you after all.

”If Joel’s going then you know I’m definitely gonna go now”, you say with a grin on your face.   
  
Jesse laughs, “Yeah I know, he’s your role model and you wanna be just like him”.

You scoff and playfully hit his arm, “I do not!”.

”Do too”, Jesse mocked you with a smug look on his face, enjoying seeing you so flustered at the mention of Joel.

”We’re really good friends okay? Why wouldn’t I wanna go on patrol with him?”.

”Relax, I’m just messin’ with you. I know he’s like a father to you like he is to Ellie”. He reassures you and rubs your back soothingly.

Jesse then gets up and makes his way to the door, stopping to look back at you.

”Thanks Y/N, it really means a lot that you would do this for me. You’re a good friend”.

You smile and say bye to him and he then leaves you alone with your thoughts.

_Father._

A word you actually hated right at this moment. You didn’t want to view Joel like that. You saw him as a friend no matter what the age difference was between you two. You hoped that he didn’t see you as a daughter and more like a grown woman since you just turned 20.

Joel was a tough nut to crack three years ago. You were already great friends with Ellie and wanted to be on good terms with the father figure in her life. You two never spoke much except for greeting each other as respect since you were Ellie’s friend and he was important to her. You were then assigned on patrol with him when you were 18 years old, as Tommy and Maria thought you were old enough to go on longer routes and Joel had the experience that you needed. It was awkward for you as it was for him since you two rarely talked to one another, nonetheless you both took down a group of infected and figured that you two made a great team after all.  
  


You and Joel had such a good time that you both told Tommy to put you two on more patrols together. You discovered that underneath all that rough exterior, he was a softy. You had a lot in common with him even though he was so much more older than you. He let you into his heart, which was something he rarely did. You must of made a huge impact on him. People would sometimes give you strange looks when you would hang out with Joel. You didn’t care what people think as it was your life, not theirs. Joel was now a good friend to you and you weren’t going to let anyone interfere with your friendship.

You wouldn’t admit it to yourself, but you found Joel very attractive for someone his age. The scruffy beard that made you wonder how it would feel against your own skin and his hazel eyes you always seemed to get lost in. Not to mention his voice. His gruff Texan accent that soothed you every time he spoke. You really could listen to him talk all day. Joel recently grew out his hair so it was slightly longer and you couldn’t stop staring at him lately.

So you had a small crush on him, no big deal.   
  


However there was one problem.   
  


You have a boyfriend. You’ve been dating him for six months. You two started dating when he confessed his feelings for you. Sure you liked him too. He was about 182cm tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. He was definitely handsome and was very popular with the girls, but he chose you. He made you laugh, he was gentle with you and was considerate of your feelings. He was the perfect boyfriend you could say.  
  


_He wasn’t Joel though._

_Joel fucking Miller._

Joel made you feel something that you’ve never felt with anyone else. You couldn’t describe the feeling, or at least you didn’t want to come to terms with those feelings. He was off limits to you. He was Ellie’s dad for fucks sake. 

It was part of the reason why you started dating Dylan. To help you forget about Joel, but it didn’t seem to be working. It was no help that you practically saw him everyday whether it was on patrol with him, hanging out with Ellie at his place, or just spending time with him alone.  
  


You discovered that Joel wasn’t very fond of your boyfriend. In fact whenever Dylan was close to you, Joel would get incredibly moody and stare daggers at him. You just thought that he was very protective of you since you were Ellie’s best friend. Although he did seem more concerned than he should be.   
  


Your thoughts were interrupted by another knock on the door. You took a quick glimpse at the time to see that it was already 7:30 now. You make your way to the front door once again to see the man you’ve been thinking about all this time.

Joel.

He was wearing his brown jacket he always wore with a red flannel shirt underneath.   
_  
God he looked so good._

”Hey, Jesse told me that you’re fillin’ in for him on patrol?”.

It was more of a rhetorical question, though you answered him anyway, “Yeah Jesse is spending the day with Dina today since it’s their one year anniversary”.

Joel chuckles lightly, “Wow already? I’m happy for ‘em. Seems like just yesterday those kids got together”.

You hum in reply and invite him in and you had a surprise for him. Something that he’s been yearning for all these years.

You lead him to the kitchen and take out a tin of coffee powder as you see his eyes widen.

“Wha- how’d you manage to get coffee?”.

You give him a warm smile at his cute reaction, “People that came through the town last week. I’m a little embarrassed with what I had to trade to get it, but it’s not bad”. You say as you pour the hot water from the kettle into a mug, mixing in the coffee powder.   
  


“Here. Careful though cause it’s pretty hot”. You say as you hand him the mug and watch how his face lights up from the bitter smell of coffee.

Joel hasn’t had one in 25 years. 

He couldn’t believe that you went out of your way to get him coffee.   
  


“Thanks Y/N”, Joel softly smiles at you and takes a sip of the strong aroma.

It was just like he had remembered it. The bitter but sweet taste of coffee. The days before outbreak. He remembered how Sarah hated the smell of coffee, as her cute little face scrunched up in disgust from the smell. Joel would just laugh at her and always tell her that it’s just because she was young and she would grow up to love it.   
  


That day never came though.   
  


You watch as Joel’s mood slightly changes. Did he not like the taste?   
  


“Oh no does it taste bad??” You ask with a worried expression.   
  


Joel gives you a sad smile, “No no, it ain’t like that. It just reminded me of Sarah, that’s all”.   
  


You wince at that name. Joel had told you about his daughter and you saw how he tried not to break down in front of you, as he told you what had happened on outbreak day. It broke your heart to see him like that. You knew he was a broken man before he told you about Sarah. You were so touched that he shared this with you and that he felt comfortable enough to confide in you, though it took him a while to open up to you which was understandable. The man had been through so much hell.  
  


Ellie had told you about how he was when she first met him. Very dismissive, cold and uninviting to be around. How he just saw Ellie as cargo and tried to dump her on Tommy, but Joel had a change of heart and wanted to complete the journey with her as she grew on him. She had changed his life and gave him a purpose to continue on living in this damn world. Ellie was the apple of his eye.   
  
It warmed your heart seeing the two of them together. The father and daughter relationship that they shared was beautiful. However lately Ellie has been distant towards him and you had no clue why. You never asked her as you didn’t want to press on the subject or feel like you were prying. 

Joel didn’t seem to mention it to you either, though he has been hanging out with you more than usual now and you wondered if that had anything to do with Ellie.   
  
Your boyfriend didn’t like you spending so much time with Joel, but you always brushed him off and explained to him that you were very close to him because of Ellie and have known him for 4 years. Of course you never told him about your small crush on him either. You didn’t think it was big deal as it wasn’t like you were in love with him or anything, or so you always told yourself.

“Oh shit we gotta get goin’. It’s 8:30 now”. Joel finishes drinking his coffee and stands up.   
  


You both hadn’t realised how late it got which was always an occurring thing whenever you two spent time together. The time always passed by at an increasing speed.   
  


Joel waits for you as you rush to get ready, putting on some random jeans you found in your closet with a blue sweater and a thick jacket on top. You then slip on your combat boots and put your hair up in a messy bun. You grabbed your backpack and ran to Joel out of breath.   
  


Joel chuckles and opens the door, gesturing for you to go, “Ladies first”.   
  


You suddenly have an explosion of butterflies in your stomach with the way he just spoke to you. Something you didn’t feel as much with Dylan. You felt a pang of guilt with how you liked it so much better with Joel then your own boyfriend. You realised that you really had to start spending more time with Dylan and less time with Joel, as you thought maybe that’s why you’re having these feelings. You needed to change that.

_Joel is just a small crush, nothing more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep.... Reader has a boyfriend and her feelings for Joel seem to be more than just a crush.


	3. •patrol•

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, some violence

You and Joel head out and you walk in silence, but not the awkward kind, it was a comfortable silence. You loved how you could enjoy each other’s presence without even uttering a word. The buzz of people chattering away, in the background, and yet it felt like you and Joel were the only people on earth. You liked it like that. It sort of felt like you had him all to yourself. As you’re walking alongside Joel, you see a woman who seemed to be in her mid 40s, eyeing him. This was an occurring theme whenever it came to Joel as all the women practically drooled over him. Who wouldn’t? He was too hot for anyone to function. You could see how well he ages and how much more attractive he kept becoming, making you wonder what he looked like when he was young. You knew he had some pictures of himself when he was younger, though you were always too afraid to ask him, not wanting him to have any idea about your school girl crush on him.

You always felt pangs of jealousy even though Joel never payed any attention to them, or gave them the time of day. Joel never seemed to be interested in relationships as his pride and joy was Ellie. He didn’t feel the need to date, especially in this lost and forsaken world. It calmed you down, seeing his lack of interest when it came to women around Jackson. You hoped that it would stay that way.

Joel suddenly clears his throat and you glance at him, his lips parted slightly, like he wanted to say something.

He looked at you and began to speak, “So... you have any plans tonight?”, he asks you while slightly avoiding eye contact.   
  
When you were about to answer him, you were cut off. 

“Hey Y/N!”.

You and Joel both turn around to see Dylan running towards you with grin on his face.

”Hey Dylan” You smile as he engulfs you in a hug and gives you a peck on the lips. 

You see Joel slightly tense from the corner of your eye as you stand between both of them.

”I thought today was your day off?”, Dylan asks with a confused expression.

”I’m filling in for Jesse cause he’s surprising Dina for their one year anniversary so he can’t make patrol.” 

“Wow, romantic just like me isn’t that right?”, he smirks at you and you giggle while he wraps his arm around your waist bringing you closer.

”Wanna have dinner at my place?” He asks with a soft smile on his face. 

You would’ve rather watched movies with Joel at his house, although you promised yourself that you would spend more time with your boyfriend and less time with Joel. 

“Sure” You say with a grin on your face and Dylan pecks your cheek, satisfied with your answer.

”Meet you at the stables.” Joel grumbles and shoots Dylan a dirty look and storms off towards the stables. 

Dylan scoffs, “The fuck is his problem?” 

“Nothing, I guess he’s just not having a good day” You sigh as you run your fingers through your ponytail.

”You know it’s more than that Y/N. He’s always like that when I’m around like he’s your dad or some shit it’s pretty weird”. 

“He’s not my dad.” You mutter, getting irritated with everyone saying that.

“Well I don’t get why you’re always with him. He’s in his mid fifties and you’re only 20. He’s too old to be hanging out with you.” You can hear the slight anger in his voice. 

_Was he jealous of Joel?_

You couldn’t pinpoint why he would feel threatened or intimidated by Joel when you knew that he would never feel that way about you, as you were just too young for him. 

“Look. Joel is my friend okay? Just cause there’s a huge age difference it doesn’t mean anything and I thought you would be more understanding.”

“You’re not hanging out with him anymore.” He firmly says.

You’re taken aback by his sudden demand and you feel the anger boiling up inside you. You couldn’t believe that he was being so controlling all of a sudden as he was never that type.You couldn’t blame him though, since you really did spend too much time with Joel and Dylan had finally snapped. Although at the same time, Joel meant too much to you and to see your own boyfriend talk this way about him enraged you.

“You can’t tell me who I can and can’t hang out with what the fuck?!” You shout, earning some stares from people around you two, including Ellie and Dina. 

“I’m done watching that old pervert take advantage of you.” 

You were disgusted that he would say such a thing about Joel. Joel never took advantage of you. That was not the person he was and to have your boyfriend straight up accusing him of being a pervert enraged you.

”Don’t you dare accuse him of something like that. You fucking know nothing about him!” You spat. 

“Y/N I-“ You cut him off by gesturing your hand towards him to stop.

“I’m late for patrol, don’t wait up for me.” You glare at him and walk away, leaving Dylan completely stunned by what just happened.

You’re stopped by Ellie and Dina, with Ellie taking the lead, “Hey are you okay? What was that about?” She asks with concern on her face, followed by Dina. 

“Nothing. He was just kinda talking shit about Joel and you know how I am when someone insults my friends.” You say with a shaky breath. You witnessed Ellie’s jaw clench slightly, clearly bothered by the mention of Joel.

“Oh believe me we know.” Dina chimed in, trying to hold in her laughter as you roll your eyes playfully.

Ellie then adds, “Well it’s more Joel you get all worked up about.” 

You feel your cheeks heat up and brush it off. 

“Well I’d love to stay and chat with you guys, but I really have to go.” You reminded them and start to turn around until you remembered, “Oh my god I almost forgot, happy one year Dina!” You squealed and Dina laughs at you while Ellie stands there awkwardly, fiddling with her fingers.

”Haha thanks Y/N, Jesse said that he has a surprise for me, so it better be grand.” She says the last word with a posh accent. 

“Oh trust me it will be.” You beamed and before she could ask you what it was, you ran off to get to Joel and forget about your boyfriend for the time being.

-

“You finally decided to show.” Tommy says as you got to the stables.

”Yeah... sorry I was late.”

”It’s fine, but just lettin’ you know that Seth is more pissed than usual that you’re late.” He chuckles.

”Don’t care about what that bigot thinks anyway.” You shrug and walk to your horse, leading her out of the stables and you meet up with Joel, Aaron and Seth. 

“Well well, look who it is.”

Aaron waves at you and you give him a small smile. Seth groans at the sight of you and already starts riding off with his horse, Aaron quickly catching up to him. 

Tommy emerges from the stables and makes his way to you and Joel. 

“Well I’ll be damned. Never seen Seth in such a rush before.” Tommy quipped as you roll your eyes. 

He then whips a map out from his pocket and points towards the marked spots.

”Seth and Aaron are searching this building towards the south while you guys take the east route. There should be some supplies there and there hasn’t been many infected in the area, though it’s always good to be prepared. Then Seth and Aaron will meet you guys there once they’ve searched their route.”

Joel nods and takes the map from Tommy, impatiently waiting to get going. Tommy looks at you and Joel with an amused expression as you two were being awfully quiet towards each other, though he doesn’t mention it.

”Well, please be safe out there otherwise Maria will have my head on a stick.” He lets out a soft laugh.

”Don’t worry we’ll be careful.” You assure him and he nods, gesturing for the people on guard duty to open the gates to let you two out.

You and Joel take off with your horses, a now awkward silence hanging above you two. Joel is riding in front of you and you want to say something, but you’re too afraid to. When Joel was in a bad mood, you usually left him alone not wanting an argument to start.

You start taking in the scenery all around you as piles of snow is decorated everywhere alongside the trees. Winter sure was beautiful no matter how cold it got. It felt peaceful and made the world actually look appealing like there wasn’t an apocalypse going on. 

“Do you love him?”

You’re pulled out from your thoughts with Joel’s sudden question.

”W-what?” You manage to blurt out, your voice slightly quivering. 

“Just asking if you love the guy or not.” Joel simply replied like it was no big deal. 

You didn’t know how to respond to that. Did you really love Dylan? You’ve been with him for six months and you still weren’t sure if you actually loved him or not. You definitely liked him, though you never felt the feeling go deeper than that. 

You always thought love didn’t really exist as you’ve never really felt like that about anyone.

_Until you met Joel._

“Um, well we’ve only been dating for six months so it’s too early to tell.” You mumble with a hint of hesitation in your voice.

“Personally, I don’t think he’s right for you but it ain’t my business, so sorry for prying.” Joel becomes silent again, letting you process what just happened. 

For some reason, it made your heart burst with how protective and concerned he was when it came to you. You honestly wished that there was some jealousy with the way he acted around Dylan, explaining why he was overprotective of you. Any guy that showed interest in you, he made sure to let you know that they weren’t good enough. It made you at least hopeful that maybe he felt a certain way about you. Even if he did, it’s not like he would come forward with it. You knew how he operated when it came to discussing his feelings and that he would think it’s wrong to feel that way about you, since he lived in such a different time before outbreak. However you didn’t think it was possible that he would like you back. It was just wishful thinking.

You continue on in silence until you arrive at the checkpoint that was marked on the map that Tommy gave to Joel. You both hitch up your horses against a post and scope out the area, making sure that there were no infected or hunters nearby.

”Looks clear.” You affirmed.

Joel then goes to the door and attempts to open it, only to discover that it’s blocked. 

“Ah shit.” He cursed under his breath and began pushing his body against the door hoping that it would open, but it wouldn’t budge.

”It’s jammed from the other side, we’re gonna have to find another way in.”

You feel the icy air hitting your face and your hands becoming numb, so you walk around the building, hoping for a way in. That’s when you find a hole in the back of the building, although it was a pretty tight fit. 

“Hey Joel, I think I can squeeze through here!” You hollered.

Joel appears and gives you a boost and you get inside with no problem. Once you were inside, you observed everything around you. This place was once a music store as there were old records and worn out instruments accumulated with dust from 25 years of just sitting there, untouched. It sort of gave you an empty feeling, seeing how there was no more life in this place. You had imagined that 25 years ago, it was filled with people testing out all the instruments, or looking to buy records and CDs, the sound of music with chatter. It warmed your heart thinking about it like that. Joel must’ve went to music stores a lot considering he played the guitar. 

You then make your way to the front door and saw that it was a chair that was bolted into the door handles, so you pull the chair up from the door and opened it to find Joel standing there, leaning his hand against the wall with a stoic expression on his face.

”You impressed?” You simpered with a smirk on your face. 

“Nope, you just too skinny.” He snickered and walks past you then adds, “You need’a eat more.” He teased, earning a scoff from you. 

You two continue your banter a little while longer, looking around for supplies at the same time until you hear something.

”Did you hear that?” You whispered, walking slowly and quietly to the sound. The sound came from downstairs in what seemed to be a basement.

Joel follows you with the same pace and you peak through a small crack in the wall, grimacing at the sight before you. There were spores inside followed by a bloater and a shambler, growling and moving around repeatedly. 

“Fuck. There’s a bloater and a shambler.” 

“We’ll just have to take ‘em out.” Joel instructed, getting his shotgun out and putting bullets in. 

You nod and you both put your masks on. You create a few molotovs and crouch down, gently sneaking in through a hole in the wall while Joel follows behind you. The bloater and shambler are unaware of your presence, so you both take your chances with you throwing a Molotov at the bloater, while Joel starts firing his shotgun at the shambler. They both start shrieking hysterically, charging towards you and Joel and you run in the opposite direction, dodging their strikes against you. The bloater starts throwing mycotoxin at you and you evade each one, struggling to keep away from the bloater.

Your pace quickens and you take out your revolver and take a few shots at it, attempting to do some damage to the big fungal beast. The bloater increases it’s speed and is downright chasing you at this point and you jump over desks trying your upmost best to avoid it. You’re then backed into a corner, with no way around it. The bloater comes so close to ripping your face off and you shut your eyes tight, waiting for the impact.

Joel shoots the bloater from behind, grabbing his attention on him. The bloater then started to charge towards Joel, giving you time to get a hold of your two other molotovs, throwing them both at the hideous creature, finishing it off at last.

Feeling victorious that you killed the bloater, you hadn’t noticed that the shambler grabbed onto Joel, aiming to rip his jaw off until you heard Joel scream. You whip your body around and dart straight towards them, grabbing Joel’s shotgun and blasting the shambler’s face. It’s insides splattered all over you. The shambler drops down onto Joel and you hear him groan from the impact. 

“Mind getting this son ‘ova bitch off me?” He grunted and you push the shambler off him with your foot as hard as you can, not wanting to touch it. It sure was an ugly motherfucker.

You helped Joel up to his feet as he struggled to keep his balance.

Having collected some supplies, you both exist the room full of spores and take off your masks, inhaling the sweet fresh air.

You noticed that Joel was struggling to walk and then saw a deep cut on his back from landing on a sharp piece of glass from the collision with the shambler. 

“Oh my god you’re bleeding!” You exclaimed, worry written all over your face. 

Joel then leans onto a rusty and worn down counter, “I’m fine.” He states, though you could see the pain in his face as he tries to stand up straight. He hated being so vulnerable, hence the reason why he always played it off like he wasn’t in excruciating pain.

”No you’re not. Take your shirt off.” You order and take out a bottle of alcohol and a few rags you had in your backpack. 

“Uh- I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” He implored with a hint of red on his cheeks, though you hadn’t noticed. 

“Shirt off. Now” 

Despite your nagging, he did as he was told and slid his jacket off and then unbuttoned his red flannel shirt, taking it off and you bite your lip, making an effort to not drool over his bare chest that was covered with little dark strands of hair with a hint of greys. His chest and abdomen were covered with many scars from over the years and you could tell that he was slightly self conscious about it. 

“If it makes you any feel better, I have my fair share of scars too.” You spoke with such a soft voice, though Joel definitely heard you.

“I guess everyone has ‘em by now” He noted.

You poured a bit of alcohol onto the rag and gently started tapping it on the gash wound on his upper back and Joel hisses from the pain. You stitch it up gently, watching as Joel tenses up.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, not wanting to hurt him any further. 

You then bandage his wound up, signalling for him to put his shirt back on, though you would’ve rather have him stay like that, however he would then freeze to death. Joel chucks his shirt and jacket back on, shivering from being exposed to the icy cold air. 

“Thanks.” He smiles softly and hugs himself, trying to prevent the shivering to no avail.

You wished you could cuddle him and pass him some of your body heat, though you couldn’t let him suspect that you had any feelings for him. It would ruin your friendship and you couldn’t let that happen. Joel and Ellie were the best thing that has happened in your hard and lonely life, as well as Dina and Jesse, but Joel and Ellie meant so much to you which was why you had to bury your feelings for Joel deep down, never to be dug up. Not to mention that you had a boyfriend, who just wanted to spend more time with you. You didn’t agree with what he said about Joel, though he had a point about you two hanging out too much, meaning you had to prevent that from happening any longer.

Even though you were still mad at Dylan, you decided that you would go have dinner at his house. It broke your heart thinking that you were ditching Joel, but you couldn’t keep doing this to your boyfriend. 

“I say we quit this place” Joel advised and you nod, gathering all your belongings and making your way outside, where Seth and Aaron were waiting. They seemed to be waiting for a long time as Seth looked determined to yell at you both. 

You sigh and you all get on your horses, riding back to Jackson with Seth complaining the whole way back with Joel shooting daggers at the back of Seth’s head.

You couldn’t wait to get back to Jackson and have a hot bath as you felt gross from being covered with blood from the shambler.

Joel takes a few glances at you, without your knowledge and has an unreadable expression on his face. He expected you to cancel your plans with Dylan and come to his house to watch Jurassic Park with him, as you told him you always wanted to watch it ever since he mentioned it.

_You never cancelled your plans with Dylan._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I’m so sorry this was terrible 😂 
> 
> I kinda had writers block and don’t really know where I’m going with this story but hopefully it will turn out good.


	4. •avoidance•

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sexual references, swearing, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys just letting you know that this chapter is a different format compared to the first 3 chapters. I wasn’t happy with the first 3 chapters and wanted to try something different so hopefully it’s okay for you. I’m still gonna keep the 3 chapters as it is.

You didn’t necessarily have an active sex life with Dylan. Sure, you’ve had sex a few times and it’s been okay. You’ve never felt the urge to do it; you almost thought you were asexual. Sex was a scary thing to you especially at first when you lost your virginity to Dylan. 

Just the idea of it, _terrified_ you. It hurt the first time and you were bleeding a lot, but you knew that was supposed to happen the first time. Still, the idea didn’t exactly appeal to you.

 _”Fuck you feel so good”_ Dylan would moan close to your ear and it made you feel uncomfortable. 

You thought you were the problem and felt guilty about it. He never mentioned anything to you though, meaning that he had no idea. It was almost inconsiderate of him to not notice your lack of enthusiasm when having sex.

Asexual was the conclusion you came to, but you hadn’t told Dylan that; afraid that he would leave you. 

So you would suck it up and make him happy, even though you didn’t enjoy it yourself. You made it seem like you were enjoying it and foolishly enough, he believed it. 

It was when you started having more feelings for Joel that you realised, you weren’t asexual.

You weren’t the problem, Dylan was. It seemed that you never had a sexual urge for anyone else.

_Only Joel._

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

Dinner with Dylan was good. It was one thing you really loved about about him; he was a great cook. 

It was pizza with scarce ingredients, yet he somehow managed to make it taste so good. 

“Damn this is so good” You moan, munching desperately on the cheesy piece of pizza. 

“Glad I can cook good for my girl” He says with a smile on his face. 

There was no mention of the fight you both had about Joel earlier today, wanting to put it behind you. 

After dinner you both sit on the couch, cuddling and talking.

You tell him about patrol and how you came across a bloater and a shambler, almost dying. Of course you leave out the Joel part. You felt him tense up beside you from the prospect of you dying. You knew he really cared about you and possibly even loved you. 

“Jesus Y/N! You could’ve died. I can’t lose you.” His voice slightly shaking, and you rub his back soothingly. 

“You won’t.” You softly say and give him a peck on the cheek.

Guilt is all you’ve been feeling lately. You knew deep down you were a bad girlfriend, lusting after someone else who was three times your age. 

The only thing you could think of to be a better girlfriend was to avoid Joel. Not cut ties with him completely, but only talk to him if you’re with Ellie and he happens to be there too. 

_Dylan was your top priority now._

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

  
  


Joel noticed your avoidance. It’s been two weeks now and he hasn’t seen any glimpse of you except for when you were out with Dylan, or Ellie and their friends. 

He hasn’t been assigned on any patrols with you either, he was stuck with Seth or Kenny, who was in his 40s and barely showered, making Joel stay a few feet away from him every time they were on patrol. 

The only good patrols were with Tommy and he made sure to get more with him. 

He missed _you_ though.

He couldn’t comprehend why he felt this way whenever it came to you. He felt the urge to protect you from anything and anyone. He knew you could handle yourself, although he had this mama bear instinct over you. 

He had known you for four years now and yet he still wanted to know more about you. How you ended up alone, with no one by your side until you came to Jackson. You never told him much of your past, so he assumed that it was too painful for you to dive into. 

Joel is on his front porch sitting on his chair at 12am, strumming his rough fingers against the strings of the guitar, creating a beautiful tune.

“Hey.... Joel.” Ellie approaches him slowly, fiddling with her fingers, not making eye contact with him. 

“H-hey kiddo.” Joel stammers, hesitantly putting his guitar down, lifting himself up. Ellie leans her arms on the porch railing, Joel following suit. 

He’s holding a mug with an owl engraved on it.

”What are you drinking?” Ellie asks noticing his owl mug. 

“Coffee.” He simply replies, taking a few sips. 

Ellie gives him a surprised glance, “How did you manage to get that?” 

“Y/N traded some things with the people that came through Jackson a few weeks ago.” His expression turns sad, at the mention of you.

”I can see that she really cares about you and looks up to you.” Ellie slightly smiles. 

Ellie also noticed your avoidance of Joel lately and she didn’t have a clue as to why. It must of been a good reason as you were always stuck to Joel like glue. She didn’t want to pressure you about it, so she never mentioned anything and wasn’t going to say anything to Joel either. 

Joel and Ellie stay in silence for a few minutes until Joel musters up a conversation.

”So, you dating any guys lately?”

”Uh... no I’m not.” Ellie says awkwardly. 

Joel didn’t know Ellie preferred girls. It’s not because she was scared that he wouldn’t be accepting, it’s just that the right time just never came. 

“Well.. whoever you get wrangled up with, they would be lucky to have you.” He stated.

”You’re such an asshole.” Ellie snaps, anger starting to boil up inside her. 

“I’m not trying to-“ 

“I was supposed to die in that hospital.” Ellie interrupts him, “My life would’ve fucking, mattered!” She slightly slams her hand onto the railing.

Joel fights hard to keep his tears in, gripping his owl mug, “If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance” He pauses, trying to find the courage to continue, “I would do it, all over again.” He looks at Ellie and she can see the pain plastered on his face, tears creeping up on him.

Ellie looks down and sighs, “Yeah.” 

“I don’t think I could ever forgive you for that, but I would like to try.” She says unsure. 

Tears stream down Joel’s cheeks and he avoids eye contact with Ellie.

”I’d like that.” He sniffled, glancing down at his now empty mug. 

Ellie takes a step back, ready to leave and sort out her feelings. 

“Well, I’ll see you around.” 

“Yeah.” Joel replied, hearing the light footsteps drift away into the cold, gloomy night.

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

  
It’s the same damn nightmare every night.

Joel wakes up completely soaked in sweat, panting from the lack of oxygen. 

It’s always about _you._

_You were on patrol with him and your luck ran out._

_You got bit by a runner, pain coursing through your thigh. You looked so helpless, so afraid._

_Joel couldn’t save you._

_He tried so hard to save you and he failed. He stayed with you until you finally lost your mind._

_You tried to attack him and Joel put a bullet to your head, causing you to drop down spasming, until you were completely lifeless._

_He felt guilty for waiting until you turned. He knew you wanted to end your life as soon as you got bit. But he couldn’t let you go._

_Joel sobs uncontrollably and holds you in his arms just like he did with Sarah. The pain of losing everyone including Ellie really got to him._

_So he put a bullet to his head._

Ever since you stopped talking to him, he’s been having the same nightmare. He thought it would get better since Ellie started to talk to him again, but you were gone. 

He didn’t understand why. 

Did he do something wrong?

Somehow he always managed to fuck up and push people away. 

Though he didn’t push you away at all, in fact all he wanted to do was spend time with you. You were close to him after all. 

You weren’t like a daughter to him like Ellie was. He couldn’t explain what you were to him. All he could conclude was that you were like a friend to him. 

_Deep down his feelings went beyond that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write in Joel’s perspective too, especially the conversation with Ellie as I thought it would be better if the Reader wasn’t there when it happened. So sometimes it will be in his perspective also. 
> 
> Please comment if you like this writing style more cause tbh I feel like it flows better and it’s easier for me to write like this.


	5. •unspoken feelings•

**Spring 2038**

  
It’s been a month since you’ve stopped talking to Joel. Winter was already at an end with Spring coming into full effect.

Dylan has been over the moon since you’ve stopped being close to Joel and prioritising him for a change. That is what you’ve aimed for anyway. 

What hurt was that Joel didn’t make any sort of effort to try and talk to you, reason with you. You wondered if he even cared at all. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling since you barely even saw him around the town. He was mostly on patrols or at home being anti social, the way he liked it.

You had found out from Ellie that she started to mend their relationship which made your heart swell with joy. You had no idea what caused the rift between them and you assumed that you would never find out. It was a sensitive subject for both Joel and Ellie and you didn’t like to push, especially if it was none of your business. She said that they started to have movie nights again and you pictured it in your mind. _Such a cute scene._

You’d debated with yourself several times whether you should stop by Joel’s house and always decided against it. You couldn’t really bring yourself to face him when it was _you_ who started avoiding him. He was probably even angry at you. You couldn’t blame him if he was.

Joel was a complicated man and to this day, you still couldn’t quite figure him out. 

Did he miss you at all? 

It was eating you up not knowing what he was thinking. You had to face him one way or another and you decided it had to be soon.

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

You were working at the stables today, having a little break from patrol since it exhausted you to no end. Spending some time with animals was what you needed lately. It was still mesmerising to you that all these animals existed pre outbreak. Another thing you loved about Joel; his life before outbreak. He told you so many stories of his past life and it intrigued you, hearing how different the world was back then. It sounded so surreal, like something out of a dream. It warmed your heart knowing that Joel had a good life before, but at the same time it broke your heart that all that was taken away from him.

You were milking a cow until you felt a tap on your shoulder, only to find that it’s Ellie. 

“Hey” She smiled. 

“Hey, sup.”

“Well... haven’t really seen you around lately” Ellie chuckled awkwardly, fiddling with her fingers, a cute habit of hers.

You sighed and turned your whole body towards her showing her your full attention. 

“Did I..... do something?” Ellie asked, with a hint of worry in her eyes.

You shook your head almost violently, assuring her that nothing was wrong with her, “No no! You didn’t do anything trust me.”

Ellie started pacing back and forth in front of you, pondering what she was going to say next.

”Is it to do with Joel?” You almost swore that you felt your insides twist from the mention of Joel. This wasn’t exactly the conversation you wanted to have with your best friend. 

You mustered up enough effort to act nonchalant, “What about Joel?” Ellie of course didn’t buy it though. 

She scoffed, “Y/N obviously something fucking happened that you just all of a sudden stopped talking to Joel. He hasn’t said anything to me at all, but I can see it in his eyes that it’s bothering him and he’s probs’ wondering what he did to push you away.”

_So it did bother Joel._

You cursed yourself for thinking otherwise.

”It’s.... really complicated.” You uttered. 

“Not really that complicated if you ask me. I bet it has something to do with that day you had a fight with Dylan over Joel. You said he was talking shit about Joel and you were pissed, but then all of a sudden you do a 180 and you’re all about Dylan and you’re not mad at him anymore. That’s all I could figure out though.” Ellie proclaimed, satisfied with herself.

Ellie could read you like a book and was right to an extent, although it went beyond that.

You sighed once again, “Okay you’re right. It has to do with that day. I realised I was hanging out with Joel too much instead of my own boyfriend, so I put a stop to that.” Of course you didn’t mention the crush on Joel part. 

Ellie looked at you skeptically, “You sure it’s just that? So there’s nothing else that I don’t know about?” You froze on the spot, internally panicking that she might know about your crush on Joel.

“Uh yeah, that’s literally it. I honestly don’t really wanna talk about this anymore.”

Ellie eyed you closely, as thoughts were swimming in her mind. She decided to let it go for now, though you knew she would bring it up again later on. 

“Alright consider it done. But you should really talk to Joel though cause he’s been extra bitchy lately and obviously he won’t admit to anything if I asked him cause he’s stubborn as fuck.” You laughed at her brutal honesty and the fact that she said Joel was bitchy.

”Yeah I’ll talk to him soon, promise.” 

Ellie hummed, happy with your response. You both stand in silence, waiting for the other to say something. 

“So.....” Ellie began, “You going to the Spring Festival?” She glanced at you, eyes glinted with hope. 

“Yep, I’m going with Dylan.” You answered.

Ellie shifted uncomfortably from the mention of Dylan so you asked her, “Something wrong?” 

“Nah it’s just that I was hoping that ya know, me, you and Dina could go together like a threesome.” She beamed and you chuckled at her cuteness. 

“Jesse and Dina still fighting?” You questioned.

Ellie rolled her eyes, “Yeah legit. I don’t know, if you can’t get anything right when you’re together then why bother trying at all? Like just stop bitching at each other and just break up for fucks sake!” She vented out her frustration.

You nodded in agreement. Jesse and Dina were good for a while, although it stopped ever since their anniversary. Something definitely went wrong, though you never dared to ask.

”There isn’t anyone that you like? You know, to go to the dance with?” You asked and you saw the faint blush on her cheeks.

“N-no! There’s no one I like. That’s why I just wanted us girls to go together!” She stammered and noticed that you were enjoying this a little too much. 

“Okay if you say so.” You smirked and she slapped your shoulder, “Hey! It’s the truth!” 

You held your hands up in surrender, for dramatic affect and you both started laughing.

”So... is that a yes..?” Ellie looked at you with pleading eyes and you couldn’t say no to her so you obliged, “Okay fine.” She applauded and hugged you tight enough for you to gasp for air. She chuckled and let you go.

“Well I better get going, I promised Maria I was gonna meet her at the bar like twenty minutes ago and I just know she’s gonna chew my ass out for being late.” Ellie groaned.

_Classic Ellie._

You both bid your goodbyes and she ran off late for her “appointment” with Maria. 

You finished milking the cow and then moved onto the next chore. 

You wondered if Joel will be at the Spring Festival.

You hoped he would be.

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

Joel was helping Tommy set everything up for the Spring Festival and his back was aching a lot from moving heavy stuff down in the hall where the dance was going to be held. 

He wasn’t even interested in this dance and sure as hell wasn’t going to attend. Staying home, playing the guitar, watching movies or wood carving sounded a whole lot better to him. Joel was never the social type especially after outbreak day. Pre outbreak he had more of a social streak in him, though didn’t really feel the need to engage in friendships or even romantic relations as Sarah and Tommy were all he cared about.

In twenty years of this hellhole, not once did he connect with someone on an emotional level except for maybe Tess as she was his partner in crime. Their relationship was complicated and they never put any labels on it. “Partners” was what Tess had preferred and he was fine with it.

The day Tess had gotten infected, he made a promise to get Ellie to Tommy and that’s exactly what he did.

 _But he couldn’t leave her_ _there._

No matter how hard he tried to push her away, she wouldn’t let him. At that point he already cared too much for her and loved her like she was his own. The fear of losing her like Sarah dawned on him back then, hence why he tried to pawn her off on Tommy.

Then there was _you._

He somehow built a special bond with you, no matter the age difference. You respected him and looked up to him a great deal; something he couldn’t comprehend. 

Joel wasn’t really a good guy.

He knew that.

His actions over the years have proven that.

But there you were, happy to be in his presence.

Then suddenly you vanished. He didn’t like to express his feelings, though deep inside he was hurting a lot not being able to see you. Dylan then came across his mind. He wondered if he had anything to do with you avoiding him.

He was gripping his hands hard, knuckles becoming white. _That son of a bitch._

He was pulled out of his thoughts with a hand patting his back. It was Tommy looking at him with slight concern.

”You okay big brother?” Joel glanced at him for a second, then turned away only giving Tommy a grunt as a response. 

Tommy sat himself down on one of the chairs that was going to be used for the event. 

“Joel, you haven’t been a hundred percent lately what’s gotten into you?” 

Joel refused to make any sort of eye contact especially when he was feeling vulnerable.

”Nothin’, just achin’ muscles and a sore back. Nothin’ a good night of sleep won’t shake off.” He replied, the exhaustion in his voice evident.

”Well go on and rest up then big brother, cause you’re goin’ to this dance whether you like it or not.” Tommy then got up to leave until he was stopped by Joel, “The hell you mean I’m goin’?” 

Tommy chuckled at the aggravated look on his face, “You really need to get out more, socialise with people, maybe even date someone. There’s plenty of women who wanna get their claws into ya.” 

Joel scoffed like it was the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard, “I’m not interested in datin’, you should know that by now.” 

“But you’ve been alone for so long, don’t you want what me and Maria have?” Tommy had his arms crossed, waiting for a response as Joel struggled to answer. 

“It ain’t like that. I’m not like you little brother. And what I want I can never have in a million years.” 

“You..... talkin’ about Sarah?” Tommy hesitantly asked. 

Joel almost choked at the mention of his daughter.

”Y-yeah.” He managed to spill out, looking anywhere else other than Tommy. 

“I’m... Sorry Joel, I dunno what to say.” Tommy admitted, a look of sorrow flashed across his face. 

“It’s okay. I’m gonna go home now, gonna get some rest for tonight.” 

Tommy smiled, “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. This will be good for you.” 

Joel gave him a small smile and left, trudging himself home, so many thoughts running through his head.

 _Yes_ that was what he meant, when Tommy asked about Sarah. He would do anything to have her back in his arms. Although there were some unspoken feelings. Something else he couldn’t have and he felt like a sick fuck for even thinking about it. 

He wanted _you._

Joel couldn’t deny his feelings any longer when it came to you. You were so damn young compared to him, yet he felt so drawn to you. It was so wrong of him to think of you in that way, though what he felt was strong and he knew that you deserve someone young enough for you, not some old man like him. He mentally slapped himself for even thinking that you would feel the same way about him. He was probably like a father to you more than anything. He couldn’t risk losing you forever if he were to ever confess his feelings to you which he sure as hell would never do.

Another realisation surfaced.

_How would Ellie react?_

How would the girl he viewed as his daughter react to him having these kind of thoughts about her own _best friend._ They had just started to repair their relationship, all the pain and suffering they had both been through for a whole year after she had found out about Salt Lake City; he made sure he would never do anything to ruin what they have now.

He still had those nightmares about you every damn night, waking up in cold sweat, shaking and slightly crying. _The hell is wrong with me._

Joel had no intention of going to the dance, until he thought that you would definitely be there, whether it would be with that asshole or Ellie and your friends he would take any chance to talk to you.

He was going to ignore any lingering feelings towards you, he wasn’t going to go down that road. He didn’t want to _ruin_ you. 

Joel knew you were an adult now, although he still felt like there was something so innocent about you, something he didn’t want to tarnish. 

He felt like a fucking pedo for having these feelings about you.

Once he got home, he had _a lot_ to think about before the dance tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Joel has had these feelings for Reader for a while now and he is just now admitting it to himself. Joel wouldn’t be the type to initiate something especially with Reader because of the age difference. He’s going to feel a lot of guilt and struggle with his own moral code. He has no idea that Reader feels the same way so he feels like he’s doing something really wrong even though she is legally an adult.


End file.
